What can we find for you?
Valentine’s Day can be a difficult day for both children and parents going through divorce or experiencing a family separation.
Below are some helpful tips to show your children that they are – and will always be – your Valentine!
- Go on a date! Go on a “date” with your child for Valentine’s Day! Dress up and go to a restaurant, go to the park and eat ice-cream, or stay in and watch a movie. Spend that one-on-one time with each of your children (without other children or your significant other, if you have one). If you have multiple children, enjoy a favorite game together or make popcorn and watch movies in your pajamas. If your child is not with you on the actual Valentine’s Day, plan your date for another time in February. Your children will love this special time! Remember, when enjoying your time with your children this Valentine’s Day, take the opportunity to explain that Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate all kinds of love and that THEY are loved by YOU!
- Make valentines! Make valentines WITH your child! Encouraging your child to make valentines for people they love (including their other parent) will show them to be generous with their love. Help them create lists of everyone they want to send a Valentine’s wish and remember to include all their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and extended family members, regardless of how you may feel about these family members. If your children are writing names on Valentine’s Day cards for classmates, do it together! Ask your child about their classmates so they can tell you stories. Have them write the names on the cards and place stickers or other fun decorations. Or you can make special valentines from scratch for the special people in their lives! The key is to make the valentines WITH your children so that you lead by example and enjoy the activity with them!
- Children love seeing their parents getting along and being happy together. So if hanging out together on Valentine’s Day is about family time, then spending time together may be a great way to role model healthy family relationships. However, unless you and your co-parent are getting back together; refrain from using the word “date” if you go out as a family. Using words like “let’s go on a date” may confuse your children and give false hope that their parents will be getting back together. If there is a lot of conflict, it may be best to enjoy the holiday separately by doing things with your children when they are with you.
- For military families, if your spouse is deployed or away from the family for any reason, honor the parent-child relationship by helping your children make special Valentine’s Day cards for their other parent. When children learn to embrace military-related separations and to cherish their other parent during holidays, they learn that separation is temporary and that love lasts forever.
The new year brings new beginnings and opportunities to enjoy the present and provide hope for the future! The past holds memories — both good and bad — that can be remembered and cherished, but must not overtake our lives.
In order to live in the present, we must stop clinging to the past. If you entertain bitter thoughts, happy thoughts cannot find a place. As much as you have been hurt in the past, clinging to those memories can hold you back.
Forgiving the past is one way to release both yourself and the memories. Forgiving does not mean accepting. The act of forgiveness takes place in our mind and allows ourselves the opportunity to find peace. It has nothing to do with other people.
So, let go of the past and design your life in the present! Try reading and repeating these forgiveness affirmations every day to help live in the present and forgive.
- I live for the present and future and the past is gone.
- I am human and forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made.
- I move beyond forgiving myself and others and move towards compassion and kindness for all.
- I am forgiving, loving, gentle and kind.
- Each day is a new opportunity. Today is the first day of my new life.
The important thing is to take responsibility for your own life. No one else can do this for you! Each one of us designs our own life. We each make a decision—conscious or unconscious—about our thoughts and behaviors. Only you can control these! Sometimes we think others are controlling us, but ONLY YOU have control over your own thoughts and feelings.
Forgiving is not easy. It means letting go of things that didn’t go as planned. In a divorced family, it may mean letting go of your thoughts of “happily ever after,” your wedding vows, your vision of a lifetime of family being together at parties and holidays, or kissing your children good night every day. Forgiving is saying, “Even though my dreams didn’t happen, I am okay. My children are okay, my life is okay, and my past is okay.” Forgiving means moving forward, embracing your past, and accepting what was and what will be.
It’s your choice! You could choose to be stuck. You could choose to be angry at your co-parent forever. You could choose to hold a grudge for the end of your marriage or relationship. You could choose to engage in hurtful and unkind communication in front of your children. These are your choices, but they will have consequences. If you are a parent who chooses to be angry or engage in hurtful and unkind communication with your co-parent (or their new partner), this may damage your child’s long-term relationship with you and relationships with others. When engaging in these behaviors, you teach your children how to have ineffective and unhealthy relationships.
Forgiveness also means that you make positive choices. You can choose to be respectful with your co-parent and their new partner. Role-modeling respect teaches your children to be accepting of others, regardless of how you may feel or think about a situation. You can choose to prioritize your children and accept that they need both parents in their lives. You can choose to promote positive parent-child relationships, regardless of how you may think or feel.
As a divorced parent, feeling good is a choice you make. If you need help with it, seek the guidance of a friend or professional therapist. Your children, regardless of their ages, are not your friends or therapists.
As 2020 is upon us, take charge of the new decade! Make a resolution to forgive yourself and let go of the past. Embrace the present and be open to restructuring your concept of family and your dreams. As you walk the path of forgiveness, life becomes a new, clean slate on which you can be the best parent and co-parent possible.
We at Kids’ Turn San Diego believe in you and wish you a wonderful year!
Give the Gift of Happy Holidays to Your Kids
Holidays are filled with excitement, love, and hope! But the holidays can also be a stressful period, especially for children and families experiencing separation or divorce. Moving between homes, sharing the holiday with one parent while missing the other, or feeling forced to choose between their parents are all legitimate and stressful thoughts that children of divorced families may experience. Have the happiest holidays with these tips, through the eyes of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Did you know that Kids' Turn San Diego received their very first grant from The Dr. Seuss Foundation to help children experiencing family separation?
Don’t let the Grinch steal your child’s happiness! Keep the holidays festive and bright with these tips:
- Deck the halls and the walls!
Spend a day or evening decorating the house to reflect the holiday spirit! This will bring the warmth of the holiday into your home and allow your children to express their creativity and have ownership of their space. In Who-ville, the Whos decorate with joy, kindness and love in their heart. At Kids’ Turn San Diego, we wish the same for every child and family! No matter where your children will be this holiday season, remember to be positive, loving and kind at all times. It is very important to keep any negative feelings about your child’s other parent away from your child. Your children deserve to be loved and happy without the pressure of guilt. Even subtle comments like “I will really miss you this holiday week” or “I wish you were waking up at my house on Christmas morning” could result in your child wanting to take care of you and your feelings. When this happens, children feel guilty about enjoying time with their other parent. Be the parent with a heart that grows three sizes! Stay positive, loving and kind throughout the entire holiday season.
- Without spending a dime, the best gift is time!
Children in our programs tell us they wish their parents would put down their cell phones and spend time with them. Spending uninterrupted time with your children shows them that they are important to you. Put down your phone so your kids do not feel alone.
When thinking about holiday gifts, look through the eyes of child and be creative. There are so many amazing activities to do together inside and outside your home. Bake cookies, watch holiday movies or create decorations out of things around the house like newspaper, tinfoil or popcorn. Check out these 25 FREE holiday experiences or search Facebook Events for activities you and your children can enjoy together.
Your children deserve stress-free holidays — and so do YOU! Grab coffee with a friend, go to a museum or take a walk on the beach. If your children are not with you this holiday season, honor them by taking care of yourself while they are with their other parent. This will lead to happier holidays for your entire family!
- Taking care of your own heart is a big part!
Open your heart this holiday season and forgive yourself. Marriage is a life transition and for some, so is divorce. Over 50% of the population experiences it. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a failure.
This holiday season, be kind to yourself. Take time to sit and drink a hot beverage, read a book, hug someone, or close your eyes and relax.
The holidays are a great time for the entire family to remember the warmth of family, love, and happiness! It is a time to create beautiful memories to remember. As the Grinch so lovingly did, take a moment and let your heart grow three sizes this year. When a parent’s heart is full of love, children will feel happier and freer to enjoy every moment!
To keep the holidays festive and bright, allow yourself to be the light!
Happy Holidays from Kids' Turn San Diego!
In Honor of Veterans Day: The Experiences of Military Families
Thank you to all our veterans, active and reserve service members, and their families! Your contribution to our safety must be acknowledged and honored.
Members and families of the United States military have a strong commitment to serve. Service members work long hours, and families experience constant moves and deployments.
Transitions may lead to tension, disconnect, and conflict between parents. About 75% of military couples get divorced. When a family breaks up, parents and children of all ages feel helpless, sad, frightened, guilty, and angry.
Children can’t wait until the day their mommy or daddy is home for good. Everything will be great then! But many children are left sad and don’t understand why parents begin to argue or ignore each other, why they are not playing games or having family dinners, why their parent who was gone for so long now doesn’t want to talk with them or attend their sporting events. They are confused, wondering why this parent just sits in front of the TV or is always working on the car or keeps talking to themselves or struggles to walk due to an injury in combat.
At Kids’ Turn San Diego, our goal is to change family relationships in positive ways so children experiencing family separations and military transitions are happier. In our programs, both children and their parents participate. Children realize for the first time that they are not alone in their family situation. They finally feel “normal.” They learn new ways to express their feelings and realize that their parent’s behavior is not their fault, freeing them from self-blame. Parents learn communication tools, coping skills, and ways to put their children first in family decisions
"I was nicer to my co-parent this week, and I changed her contact name from 'X' to Carol. Then I showed our son. He was so happy. He jumped up and hugged me. Thank you for helping me help Dylan be happy!"
In celebration of Veterans Day, spend the day with your children! Here are some ideas:
- Visit the Veterans Museum at Balboa Park
- Take a tour of the USS Midway
- Go to a Veterans Day Parade in your community
- Visit the Flying Leatherneck Aviation Museum at MCAS Miramar
- Talk with your children about the history of our country
- Put a flag out to honor Veterans Day
- Wear a red poppy or yellow ribbon to show support
More interested in hanging out at home? Try some of these ideas:
- Put your cell phone down and do something fun with your child. Younger children enjoy imaginative play like tea parties or superhero adventures. Children ages 7-12 tend to enjoy board/video games, and older children like to listen to music, play video games, or simply hang out—without parents asking questions or giving advice. Children of all ages feel important and cared for when you pay attention to them.
- Encourage your children by using phrases like:
- “You’re so much fun to be around!”
- “Can I put this on the bulletin board at work or on the refrigerator?”
- “I’m so lucky to be your parent.”
- Try to catch your child doing something good and notice it aloud.
- “You are such a good big brother/sister.”
- “I love how you are teaching your younger sibling how to…”
- “I saw that you got an A on your math test—great job!”
- Encourage your child’s relationship with their other parent or grandparents. One way is to help them make birthday cards or Mother’s/Father’s Day cards. Things that are handmade are oftentimes the most treasured gifts we receive from others.
- Listen to your children without giving advice or trying to solve their problems.
Being in the military is a family commitment. In honor of Veterans Day, Kids’ Turn San Diego salutes all military-connected family members. Thank you all for your commitment and service!