What can we find for you?
Over one year into the pandemic, it's normal to have questions and uncertainties as life begins to shift again. Here we share our answers to the most common questions we're hearing from co-parents in our Family Workshops for Separated and Divorced Families.
We have just passed the one year mark of living through the COVID-19 pandemic. I remember having so many questions at this time last year, thinking that we would be out of work for a couple of months, max, and worried about buying toilet paper, getting a thermometer that actually worked properly and finding disinfecting wipes and anti-bacterial hand gel. It was a scary time!
And here we are — one year later. No matter who or where you are, there is one thing we all share: We have all been impacted by COVID in one way or another!
As life begins to shift again, our questions are real and important. Our thoughts and feelings are valid, even if others think or feel differently. If you’re anxious, worried or even scared sometimes, you are NORMAL!
In this past year, disinfecting wipes and hand gel became my new best friends. If you need hand gel, I am the one to ask. This is my new reality and surprisingly, the reality of many others. But not everyone is this way. Some people socialize with others without masks or social distancing or say “no thank you” when you offer them a squirt of hand gel. This thinking is very different than mine, and I don’t understand it.
One thing I do understand is that I have no control over anyone else!
At Kids’ Turn San Diego, 506 parents and their 323 children have attended our Family Workshops since the pandemic began. We have heard a lot of questions. Here are the top seven.
I hope so! Studies are showing that the COVID-19 vaccines are effective at protecting you against COVID-19 and from becoming seriously sick if you do get it. I am vaccinated, and although I was hesitant at first and continue to wear masks and to use disinfecting wipes and hand gel regularly, I feel safer and relieved that I am vaccinated. The other people in my home are waiting to get appointments. We will all feel a little safer and relieved that we took another step to protect ourselves and others. When I was undecided, I talked with my doctor and asked for their recommendation. Talk with your doctor if you have questions.
These are difficult decisions. Some parents have reached out to the courts and were disappointed when their case was not heard, while others took the path of claiming that the other parent is intentionally putting the children at risk. If parents cannot agree, you may want to consider a conversation with your child’s doctor. If your child is sick and has to go to the doctor, you would treat the illness with the medicine provided so that your child would get better. So, if you’re unsure, go with the doctor’s recommendation. The best thing for your children is for their parents to decide together. This shows your children that you are a united front when it comes to them, and that you have their best interest at the forefront of all decisions.
Remember: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR CHILD’S OTHER HOUSE. You will never know the reason why, so challenge yourself to let go of your worry. Instead, focus on what you can control. For example, when your children return to your home, take their temperatures, have them change their clothes, have them take a shower or bath, have them wash their hands, or wear a mask around them. (I know this sounds silly, but YOU have the power to protect yourself by wearing a mask). Get creative with your children and create a return plan together. It will be easier to implement if your children help create the plan.
Only time will tell, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the people who know way more about COVID-19 than any of us are saying yes. So, if you are comfortable, send your children to school. If you’re not comfortable, remote learning has been going on for a year and you and your children are probably pretty good at it by now. If it’s working and makes you all feel better, make arrangements with the school.
Again, only time will tell what the summer holds for all of us. Talk with your children. If they want to return to these activities, talk about how they will take care of themselves. Because there are so many unknowns, I encourage you to pay deposits only and hold off on paying full fees until you are sure that the opportunity will be happening.
The CDC and our local health department has been making decisions based on the number of COVID cases and positive test rates. The numbers are decreasing as more people are getting vaccinated. Talk with your place of employment. Maybe you can work remotely on some days and at the office on others. When it comes to the question of who will stay with your children while you’re at work, consider your co-parent. Are they still working remotely? Collaborating on a temporary plan related to children being at home and parents needing to work is a great idea. Use “I statements” to work on the details. Think of it as a business transaction so that there are no emotions tied to the conversation. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve heard a parent say no to hanging out with their children when they are home and available, so this is a great idea (and it doesn’t cost you any money)!
We’re hearing a lot about children as young as seven having panic attacks since they returned to school. The best thing you can do is to reassure them and ask them what they need to feel safe and secure. Maybe they need to take a picture of you with them. Maybe their favorite stuffed animal needs to travel in their backpack. Maybe they need to hear from their parents that your expectations of them are to have fun and to engage with their friends — and if they can learn, too, that would be great! Children are worried about not meeting the teacher’s expectations, so set clear parent expectations to help them relax and feel better. If your child continues to feel anxious, request a conversation with the teacher. They have been living through the pandemic, too, and may need a reminder of what your child needs to be successful in the classroom. Also, structure and calendars work great to help reduce anxiety in children. Create a family calendar that shows which days your child is at each parent’s home, at-school days and remote learning days, weekends, events and activities. Add birthdays too. Knowing how to use a calendar is a life skill, so this is a great opportunity to teach it to your child. Get creative with stickers and colors and make it fun!
We’re here for you at Kids’ Turn San Diego. We wish you the best of luck as we all navigate these uncharted waters!
Your children deserve the best of you, and we want you to be the best parent and co-parent possible.
This year, we are celebrating a BIG milestone! Kids’ Turn San Diego has been offering Family Workshops for Separated and Divorced Families for 25 years. We have listened to thousands of children share their experiences, and, for the most part, their needs have remained stable over time.
“I want to see both my parents.”
“I want my parents to stop fighting/arguing/yelling at each other.”
“I want my parents to pay attention to me.”
Prior to COVID-19, there were several common threads in the stories shared by the children attending our program. Children witnessed frequent fighting between their parents and were often brought into the fights. Children wanted to spend time with their parents, and they liked it when their parents got down on the floor and played with them. Some of the children felt like messengers passing information between their parents. A few of the children felt caught in the middle between their parents, an experience that was very stressful for them. Many of the children wanted their family to get along because it stressed them out.
One year ago, COVID-19 began to change everything. Most divorced parents came together and collaborated for the safety of their children, and children successfully transitioned from one home to their other home, week after week.
Sadly, not all children were so fortunate. Some children found themselves stuck between parents with different beliefs, different strategies for ensuring health and safety, and, saddest of all, some children had no contact with their other parent as one of their parents used COVID-19, probably unconsciously, as a tool to keep their kids away from their other parent.
Sadly, some children are still not seeing one of their parents to this day.
In every Workshop this past year, we have heard these stories over and over.
Regardless of your relationship with your co-parent or your history together, you must remember that your children are not just yours. They are half of you and half of their other parent. They deserve to have healthy relationships with both of their parents — and you have a big role to play in this. Their brains are constantly developing, and they are learning from what they see and hear every day. They will copy the behavior and words that are being modeled.
Your children deserve the best of you and we want you to be the best parent and co-parent possible. If you are engaging in blaming, name-calling, manipulating or controlling, we encourage you to take a look at yourself and the behaviors you are choosing. We invite you to think about your choices. Are they in your best interest, or are you hurt, angry or upset and need extra support to work through these feelings? Are they in the best interest of your children, or do your children deserve to have relationships with both their parents, regardless of how you may feel about their other parent? These are hard questions, but feelings are normal and okay when they are addressed in healthy ways and without involving your children and their relationship with their other parent. There are many resources available to support you, especially at Kids’ Turn San Diego!
If you are the parent who has not been able to see your children, here are some suggestions for making the most of your parent-child relationship, even if you are apart for now:
- Know that someday your child will realize what has occurred and they will come back and want a relationship. This may take 10 years, but with almost all children, as their brain develops, they begin to see through the name-calling and bad-mouthing so be ready for this day.
- Keep a journal for your child. Pick out a special notebook and write a note to your child whenever you see something that reminds you of them. For example, maybe you see a beautiful sunset and it reminds you of a day you spent together at the beach. Write a note in the journal to your child. “When I was walking the dog today, the sunset was amazing. Pink, purple and some orange. It made me think of you and reminded me of the time when we were at the beach and . . .”. Make sure to date each and every entry. Someday you will be able to present this journal to your child and they will realize that you thought of them often and wished you were together.
- Put together a parent-child picture memory album. Children love to see pictures of themselves when they were little and especially pictures with their parents. Purchase a photo album or a binder to create a parent-child memory album. Add special photos of you and your child and write in notes and details. Someday you will be able to present this memory album to your child. If you are seeing your children regularly, this is still a great idea!
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Awareness Month and Parental Alienation Awareness Month. Parental alienation is any act by a parent that tries to destroy the relationship between a child and their other parent. Though not a syndrome or diagnosis, parental alienation can be considered a form of psychological abuse.
And childhood happiness most often does not include the word “abuse.”
Join us in the prevention of parental alienation and child abuse. Support your children’s happiness and encourage your children to have a healthy relationship with their other parent!
By Executive Director Cindy Grossman, LCSW
As fun as the holidays can be, they can also bring a good deal of stress — not to mention when COVID-19 is spreading and stay-at-home orders are in place.
With COVID-19 concerns, co-parents worry about what will happen at the other parent’s home. Are our children going to family gatherings? Did they get together with large groups? You want your children to be safe while enjoying the holidays.
So, what can we do to have a safe and enjoyable holiday that is as stress-free as possible?
Here are our top tips for co-parenting through a COVID-19 holiday. And don’t miss the Facebook Live conversation on this topic featuring Executive Director Cindy Grossman!
Focus on what you can control.
You can certainly share your concerns about COVID precautions with your co-parent, but ultimately you have zero control over what happens at your co-parent’s house. So, what can you control?
You can prepare your children to protect themselves, and you can make a COVID-prevention plan for your own home. Sit down with your children and create a prevention strategy for whenever anyone returns to the home. For example, maybe clothes should be change or put right into the washing machine, or maybe everyone will take a bath or shower.
Remind your children to wash their hands. Make or purchase face masks that you think your children would like to wear and encourage them to wear them whenever they are outside their homes. Get them some hand sanitizer and attach it to their backpack.
Use a yard stick or measuring tape and stand apart to show your children what six feet of distance looks like. By measuring out six feet together, your children will have a visual idea of what “social distancing” means and how they can keep their distance to stay safer.
Remember, you can do all of this at your own home, but you have no control outside of your home. If you feel it necessary to get COVID tests when your children return to your home, if you are able to get them, this is one thing you would have control to implement.
Discuss and coordinate holiday plans ahead of time.
Whether or not you have court orders for how holiday time with your children should be shared, be sure to plan ahead and coordinate holiday time. Discuss via email so that you can have a record of what was discussed and eliminate any confusion. Planning ahead reduces stress and chaos for both co-parents and children alike. Plus, children can have fun with both parents without worrying! Children crave structure, so create a calendar for holiday plans that will help children know what to expect.
Be flexible and focus on creating new traditions.
Remember that the holidays are not about a specific date. Yes, the calendar shows that Hanukkah begins December 10th and Christmas Day is December 25th, but YOUR holiday is when you are able to be with your children. Focus on creating memories and new traditions to make the holiday time you do have together extra special. Play games, watch movies, drink hot chocolate, have a dance party, or make ornaments! In the end, your children just want to spend time with you. The holiday is the time together, not the date.
Communicate with your children.
Listen to your children and validate their feelings. You are living in two different family units, and it may be more stressful or upsetting during the holidays. Remind your children that it’s okay to have lots of feelings, and that all their feelings are important. When your children are leaving for their other parent’s house, please don’t tell them how much you will miss them or how sad you are they will not be with you on the holiday. If you do this, your children may feel guilty about leaving you or feel sad for you. Sending them off worried about you isn’t fair to them!
Instead, encourage your children to have a good time with their other parent, and tell them you will see them when they get back. Although the holidays are a fun time, please don’t tease your children with hints about all the fun things or surprises you have for when they get back. They deserve to have a happy time at their other parent’s house without holding back because they are anticipating the fun things they will do with you when they return.
Your children deserve to have relationships with both of their parents, and we hope you will let this happen for your children. Regardless of how you feel, we encourage you to keep your feelings to yourself and take care of you without sharing your feelings with your children. Remember, the holidays are not a date, they are family time, whenever the family time occurs.
Don’t make the holidays a competition.
Your children’s other parent is not “better” if they can give more gifts than you. Remember that the meaning of the holiday comes from time spent together and special memories made. Your children will treasure the meaningful moments with you more than any present they open.
2020 has been a challenging year for us all. As we try to put the difficulties of this year behind us, we encourage you to do the same with your co-parenting relationship. Whatever you’ve been struggling with and dealing with as co-parents, aim to go into 2021 with positivity and respect in your co-parenting relationship. Your children will thank you for putting them first.
Happy Holidays from Kids' Turn San Diego!
Effective and healthy communication is vital to the health and wellbeing of your children during this COVID-19 season.
The decision to have your child attend physical or virtual school is difficult for any family, but separated families may face additional complications during this process. In an environment where communication may already be strained, families experiencing separations and/or divorce may encounter high stress and anxiety. Effective and healthy communication is vital to the health and wellbeing of your children during this COVID-19 season. In order to assist you and your family’s journey through this transitional period, we recommend utilizing the acronym “APPLES” to help get your children (and yourself!) ready for the school year.
Acknowledge
Acknowledge the fears of both parents and children. We understand that parents have different views and opinions of physical and virtual schooling. Recognize that you, your co-parent, and/or child may have some anxiety about going back to school. If there is conflict on the type of schooling for your child, we recommend having open discussions. Co-parents must listen to each other and to their child in order to determine the most appropriate type of schooling. For young children, Sesame Street produces videos that help children express their feelings in a healthy manner. Click here to watch one of their videos.
Prepare
Prepare children for what they can expect when going back to school (in person or virtually). If your child is going back to school in person, discuss and practice what will happen when school starts. Discussion topics can include the importance of wearing masks and maintaining social distancing from friends and teachers, washing hands, how they feel about going back to school, and understanding that some friends may/may not be at school. Massachusetts’s Department of Mental Health has a great “back to school” social story template that you can use to prepare your child for school during COVID-19.
For those attending school virtually, the same discussion topics are important. We would encourage adding a discussion on why your child is not attending school in person and asking your child how they feel about that. It’s important to have an ongoing conversation with your child on what COVID-19 is and how your child feels about it. We want to ensure that children receive enough information so they feel empowered, but not too much information where they are in fear. San Diego County has some great resources that help talk to your children about COVID-19.
Check out this helpful video from San Diego Family Mediation Center on how co-parents can develop a new co-parenting plan in light of alternative school formats this year.
Plan
We understand that scheduling is a commonly source of frustration for families experiencing separation or divorce; however, familiarity, structure and routines are important to the mental and physical health of children. Continue to communicate and work with your co-parent to create and maintain a schedule so that your child can have consistency during this period of uncertainty. Note that structure looks different for children of various ages and learning capabilities; therefore, schedules and routines should be adjusted to the needs of your child. Check out this link from the CDC for tips on how to build structure.
Live Healthy
Continually staring at a screen is strenuous for both adults and children. If your child is with you during this period, take “recess” together! Go for a walk, do brief fitness challenges, do a meditation/prayer/breath break, color, or attend “PE” with your child if they are attending virtual school. Continue to eat healthy, exercise, and get adequate sleep for both you and your child. Both your child’s health and yours are important!
Examine
Keep an eye out for signs of stress and anxiety in you and your child. COVID-19 is a stressful for everyone. Maintain lines of communication with your co-parent so you may be more aware if your child is showing signs of stress and anxiety. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) offers articles on behavioral changes to watch out for in adults, children and teens.
To understand what some youth may go through, check out the video “Numb” made by Liv McNeil, a 9th grader, on feelings of isolation during quarantine. It is a powerful video and only 3 minutes and 22 seconds, and it may give you a glimpse of what some youth are experiencing.
Synergy
We understand that this is a total business buzzword, but it fits for family life! This is the time for co-parents and children to cooperate and work together in order to create an environment that will support not only your child’s mental health and education but will be beneficial to your lives as well. There are a lot of stressors due to COVID-19 and friction between family members is an added burden. We know it’s difficult, but try to maintain healthy communication with your co-parent and child and find productive ways to convey thoughts and feelings with each other.
This may seem overwhelming, but remember to take a deep breath and know that you have got this! We at Kids’ Turn San Diego commend and applaud you for your perseverance and dedication to your children during these uncertain times. If you want to improve communication skills with your co-parent and/or child, please check out one of our virtual Kids’ Turn San Diego Family Workshops! We teach healthy communication skills for both parents and your child. Click here for more information about our virtual program.
Children may feel powerless and experience anxiety and worry about what is going to happen. In this unpredictable time, it is important to stick to a schedule. When children know what is happening, they feel more stable.
At Kids’ Turn San Diego, we believe that everyone has their own reality, and that no one’s reality is the same as anyone else’s. However, the coronavirus (COVID-19) is a public health reality that is impacting every one of us in some way or another. As of right now, the reality throughout San Diego County is that schools and colleges are closed, and children of all ages will be at home.
This is a scary time for everyone! There are so many unknowns. Here is what we know:
- COVID-19 is contagious and can spread through droplets in the air released when a sick person coughs or sneezes, and by being in contact with infected surfaces and touching your mouth, nose or eyes.
- You can protect yourself by washing your hands for 20 seconds throughout the day and before touching your mouth, nose or eyes. Use antibacterial gel of 60% alcohol content when washing hands is not possible.
- The CDC recommends avoiding large groups and gatherings and keeping a six-foot distance from others.
- Schools and colleges are closed for the next few weeks, at least, and children will be home.
- Many companies and jobs are transitioning to working remotely. So instead of going to work every day, many parents will be working from home.
Information about the coronavirus may be very scary for children. They may not understand what is happening, why they don’t get to go to school anymore, or whether they or someone they love will become sick.
Children may not know how to be a part of the solution. They may feel powerless and experience anxiety and worry about what is going to happen. This may result in your children wanting to be around you all the time or not wanting to leave your side. In this unpredictable time, it is important to stick to a schedule. When children know what is happening, they feel more stable.
The knowns above are a shared reality for each and every one of us. Our reality is that we are a community that is transitioning through this public health challenge.
But how do we explain this virus or public health challenge to our children? How do we help young ones to understand? This video makes the coronavirus easier to understand and highlights all the strategies for helping to protect yourself and our community from the spread of this virus.
There is some specific language about who could be most impacted, and the virus creature at the very end of the video may be a little scary for young children. If you are going to share this video with your children, we encourage you to watch it first. Then, after sharing it with your children, talk about it together and give your child the opportunity to say how they feel. Using “I statements” may help with the conversation. “I feel ____ after watching that video”. Depending on how the child feels, this is your starting point for the rest of the conversation. If you feel the same way, you could empathize with your child, such as “I feel the same way. What can we do together to reduce our ___?” This provides the opportunity for develop a wellness plan together.
As parents in a divorced family, this time is critical to put all your differences aside, no matter your conflict level or feelings towards each other. This public health challenge requires parents to put their children first. It is time to put all your histories and feelings aside, even if you are only able to make this commitment temporarily.
With schools closed for the next two weeks, children will be home. Children of divorced families have two homes, and most parenting plans probably do not address community health challenges and unexpected school closings. Tensions may be high and will probably escalate as parents decide how to move forward. Who will “watch” the children during the day? Will they go to a relative’s home or a friend’s house? What if one parent is healthy but required to work remotely from home and the other parent still has to work?
As parents, we plan for summers and school breaks but not for extended breaks without the option of taking children to parks or other public places. For now, as we try to prevent the spread of the coronavirus, the CDC recommends staying close to home to minimize risk of exposure.
It is your responsibility as a parent to protect your children, to be thoughtful and to communicate with your co-parent, regardless of how you may feel about them. Agree together to a plan that makes sense. We urge you not to argue over who will “watch” the child. Accept that if a parent is home and the other is not, this option probably makes sense for your child, as long as the parent at home is healthy.
We urge you to use your skills. Remember the ABCs of healthy communication: Actions (thoughts, feelings, beliefs) + Behaviors (how you behave, actions you take) = Choices (you get to choose the bridge between your actions and your behaviors). What path will you take? The path of “I’m angry so we’re doing it this way” or the path of “Let’s do what is right for OUR children”?
The choice is yours! We urge you to consider what your children will see or hear. Will they see and hear parents argue about childcare arrangements or how you are managing this public health challenge, or will they see and hear their parents working together and figuring things out for their children?
If you attended a program at Kids’ Turn San Diego, we encourage you to review your handbook to review the skills, strategies and techniques that may assist you during these times of potential tension and conflict.
We encourage every parent who is co-parenting a child to manage your own anxiety and fears around the coronavirus by talking with adults about your own feelings. Do you best to remain calm and answer your child’s questions. Look at the websites below to stay informed, or dial 211 on your phone with any general questions. For health-related questions or concerns, please contact your healthcare provider. At Kids’ Turn San Diego, we are monitoring this community health challenge daily and will implement changes to our programs as needed. Wash your hands often and stay healthy!
County of San Diego Epidemiology Unit – Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)
California Department of Public Health, Immunization Branch – COVID-19
www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CID/DCDC/Pages/Immunization/nCOV2019.aspx
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – COVID-19
www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/index.html
World Health Organization – Coronavirus Disease (COVID-19) Outbreak