What can we find for you?
By Cindy Grossman, LCSW, Executive Director for Kids’ Turn San Diego (To read the article on the San Diego Veteran’s April Edition Magazine, click here)
Did you know the divorce rate in military families tends to be about 75%?
Kids’ Turn San Diego offers Family Workshops for Separated and Divorced Families and we have seen a significant increase in military connected families attending the program. In 2016, 54 military connected parents and their children participated in a Family Workshop, compared to 137 in 2021!
Thank you to all the military families who sacrifice so much to keep us safe!
Let’s take a minute to look back over the past two years. As our world shut down and everyone was ordered to “stay home”, most of us felt alone and scared. As time went on, we heard new fears from military families. Deployments typically have a beginning and an end. But what about those who had a spouse deployed when the pandemic surfaced? Did someone on the ship get COVID, were they exposed, would my partner ever return home? Many families were resilient, and others struggled. Divorce may be a decision for many military families but holding space for your children must be the priority!
The number one theme we hear from children, month after month, is that they want their parents to stop fighting and yelling at each other. They want their parents to get along!
Parents, you have no control over others, only yourself. Only you feel your feelings and understand your thoughts. Only you can choose your behavior. Are you reacting and sharing your frustrations through yelling and lashing out at others? Are you internalizing and using substances to manage your emotions? Are you distraught and immobilized? Do you tell your children your problems and hope they will help you solve them?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not alone!
The good news is . . . YOU have control of your feelings and thoughts and your behaviors! You can choose to respond instead of react. You can choose to seek support from other adults (friends or professionals).
You can choose how you are going to interact with your child’s other parent. You may not like it! You may feel like you are compromising or giving in, but this doesn’t mean that you are less than others or bad in any way. This means that you are putting your children first! Children want to see their parents, they want you to say nice things about their other parent, they want to see their relatives, they want their parents to get along. Your children want to be heard, understood and to feel important in the eyes of both their parents.
Divorce may be a reality for you but support your children as they transition from one home to two. No matter how you feel about their other parent, show your children how to be kind. A smile (even if it is fake) or a brief wave is huge in your child’s eyes. Give them this gift! Virtual programming continues at Kids’ Turn San Diego so reach out for support from wherever you live. In honor of Month of the Military Child, we’re here if you need us www.kidsturnsd.org. Thank you for your service!
Article written by: Cindy Grossman, LCSW, Executive Director, Kids’ Turn San Diego
Earlier this month, on March 2nd, we celebrated World Teen Mental Wellness Day. However, teen mental wellness is something that requires more attention and care than just one day. Taking care of our teen’s mental wellness means taking the extra effort to build a genuine, healthy relationship with your teen!
We all know that the teen years can be some of the toughest times in parenting. With changes in body, hormones, social relationships, and a desire for independence, it’s easy to let a wall be built between us and our teens. Though they may seem resistant, our teens need us the most during these years to ensure they have a trusted and supportive adult who can help them figure out such turbulent times.
Here are four ways to build a healthy relationship with your teen:
1. Be respectful of their growing independence.
During the teen years, your teen may give you attitude, argue with you more frequently, tell you that “you don’t get it”, and overall make it very difficult to do your job as a parent. You may be feeling like you’ve failed as a parent since your teen has changed from the child you knew before. This struggle is normal! Teens are simply exploring their independence and trying to establish themselves as their own person and it is not always a pretty transition.
As their parent, it helps to be mindful of this new chapter of self-discovery. Don’t make fun of your teen or discourage them when they are exploring different parts of themselves. Encourage them to be curious and confident! It may be anxiety-provoking to watch your child make mistakes, but sometimes that is the best way to learn. Your teen will develop good judgement by making mistakes and learning from them, so grant them the autonomy and privacy to do that. Of course, you don’t want your teen to be participating in unhealthy hobbies that can mentally or physically harm them (such as drugs and underaged drinking) which brings us to the next point.
2. Establish clear boundaries & values in the family
Although your teen is becoming a young adult, you still need to remain the main adult and point of guidance for your family. Without setting any boundaries or values for your teen, too much freedom can cause your teen to experience confusion about what to do with their independence. Instead, learn to balance giving your teen space to explore while calmly establishing boundaries. This can look like, during dinner saying, “I really want to spend time with you. Let’s both agree to keep our phones off and hang out as a family!” or “I want to make sure you’re safe, so let’s set a curfew for 10pm. If you need to go past that, you’ll need to talk to me ahead of time. Is that okay with you?”. When setting boundaries with your teen, make sure to explain why the boundary is needed and if it is value based, briefly explain why the value is important to you and your family (such as your need to know your teen is safe). Asking your teens to participate in boundary setting and rules is encouraged. You will find teens are more likely to follow the rules and boundaries if they have a part in setting them.
3. Be authentic and genuine.
At this age, teens appreciate and need to see when people are authentic and genuine. This means admitting when you are unsure of things or make a mistake. You can apologize to your teen when appropriate and show them that it is okay to not be perfect. It is even ok to “take a time out” if you are emotional about a topic or situation. It is ok to say, “I need to take a time out here. Give me 5 minutes and let’s get back to our conversation.” This allows your teen to know that we are all still growing and learning. When people fail or make a mistake, the right thing to do is to acknowledge it and then learn from it. Show your teen that you are proud of them and okay with the fact that we are all “works in progress”, and there is no shame about that!
4. Be engaged & interested in your teen's life.
More importantly than anything else, do not let the hardships of the teen years ruin the love between you and your teen. Continue to show them that you care with simple actions such as asking them about their day, looking for things to compliment them on, spending quality time together or, no matter how much you dislike it, listen to their music with them. Teens love coffee, boba, frozen yoghurt, video games, watching TikTok videos, etc. Find time to connect with your teen so they know you are a resource and someone available to talk to about anything! When you are talking with your teen, it can be easy to slip into unsolicited advice that may make them feel annoyed. If your teen does talk with you about a friend or themselves, listen and do not try to problem solve. LISTEN and do not give advice. If you want to give advice, ask if they want your advice before you share. Do not shame them if they approach you with an issue and respect the decisions that they choose to make. Offer guidance if they want it, otherwise, JUST LISTEN. It is important that parents are emotionally observant and present in a teen’s life. Make time to hang out with your teen and show them that you are always there to support not shame them!
Remember, as parents, we play a large role in getting our teens through the difficult transition from a being a child to a young adult. Without guidance, your teen can feel lost and confused which can lead to issues in their mental wellness. While parents can’t protect their children from everything that comes their way, we can make sure our teens know that they will always be loved and supported! Take the first step in building a lasting relationship with your teen today, and if you’re not sure where to start, Kids’ Turn San Diego is here for you!
The term “Love Language” was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman and he believes that learning someone’s love language is essential to connecting on a more meaningful level.
Do you ever feel frustrated when your children squirm from hugs and kisses? Or, maybe you shower them in compliments and they seem annoyed? There is nothing wrong with showing love and support in this way, but for some children it may make them uncomfortable. If this is your child, THEY ARE OKAY! In reviewing Dr. Gary Chapman’s “Love Languages” for adults, we see some similarities for how they apply and are adapting them to parent-child relationships. The “Love Languages” are words of affirmation (compliments), quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. This Valentine’s Day, we challenge you to notice how your child responds to your typical way of showing love and, if you notice they may not like your way, we encourage you to try some of these ideas and see how it goes.
Words of Affirmation
Do you have a child that asks, “did I do that right? or is this right? or did I do a good job?” Or maybe they glow with joy whenever you compliment them? Do you find your child praising you? If you found yourself saying yes to any of these questions, then maybe your child needs words of affirmation!
Your child may receive love and support best when you communicate through words of encouragements, praise and gratitude. Examples may be “you did a great job!”, “thank you for helping me with cleaning the house!” or “I am so lucky to be your parent!”. Here are a few ways to offer words of affirmation to your child:
- Slip a sweet note in their lunchbox. (It could be as simple as a smile face on their napkin)
- Praise them both privately and in front of others. (Be mindful not to embarrass your child)
- Notice & acknowledge their efforts. (Say things like, “I like how you worked so hard on your homework today”)
- Call them by a nickname they like. (Remember not to embarrass them in front of others)
Quality Time
In our programs, we hear from children all the time that they want their parents to pay attention to them. Do you have a child that interrupts you a lot? A child that likes to show you what they are doing? Do they ask you to join them when they’re playing? If you found yourself saying yes to any of these questions, then maybe your child needs more quality time with you!
Your child may receive love and support best when you give them your undivided attention. You do not have to be with them 24/7, but even 10 minutes off of your devices may make a huge difference for children needing quality time. Here are a few ways to give the gift of quality time to your child:
- Dedicate and commit to spending on-on-one time with your child. (Read a book, do a puzzle, play a board game, teach them how to ride a bike, cook a meal together, whatever it is, remember to have the time be age appropriate)
- Turn off your phone and leave it in another room while helping with homework
- Go on a walk together
- Take them with you when you run errands and make it fun. (Remember, you are teaching your children how to be adults some day so making grocery shopping fun can be creating a budget together and sticking to it or asking your child to choose the vegetables or fruits to buy. Giving choices works here too!)
Receiving Gifts
Do you have a child that cherishes every gift they’ve received? Does your child not ask for more things, but glows when you surprise them with a gift? Maybe your child takes the time to unwrap a gift they’re given? If you found yourself saying yes to any of these questions, then maybe your child sees love and support through receiving gifts!
Your child may receive love and support best when they receive physical tokens that express your love to them. Receiving gifts does not mean your child only cares about the material object or that you should buy them things. It means that they cherish the fact that you spent time thinking about them and choosing a gift that would make them happy! Here are a few ways to support your child if they like knowing you are thinking about them:
- Create a chore chart with your child. (Put stickers or draw stars on the chart when they accomplish the chores. This can also work with homework, daily hygiene or whatever your hopes and expectations are for your children. Get creative, post it on the refrigerator or the wall and catch your child doing good things, then reward them with the sticker or star. Words are not necessary because if your child likes it when you spend time thinking about you (receiving gifts), they’ll notice the chart!
- Keep a treasure chest to surprise them with occasionally. (This could be a box, container, hope chest, whatever you have. Put baby pictures in there, a few current pictures that you want to treasure, art work, school projects/tests, a napkin or something with a logo on it that reminds you of a place you and your child went or a place you hope to take them some day)
- Leave a sweet note or pick a flower to put in their lunchbox
- Value any gift they give to you! (Whether it’s a drawing or a project, tell them how much you like it by hanging it up. Don’t worry if it doesn’t match your home decor, everyone will notice it and you will be able to proudly share that your child made it)
Acts of Service
Does your child like to ask for help when you are busy, even with things they know how to do on their own? Does your child like it when you make their lunch instead of telling them to eat the free lunch at school? Does your child get upset when you say you are listening, but you are on your phone or laptop? If you found yourself saying yes to any of these questions, then maybe your child is at their best through acts of service, meaning actions are louder than words!
Your child may receive love and support best when they see you do what you say and you say what you mean. You do not have to do every request your child asks (as fostering self-reliance is important), but an occasional yes to their asks for help can go a long way. Here are a few ways to implement acts of service with your child:
- Even though you know your child can do something independently, if they ask, stop what you’re doing and help them. (As you are helping them, remember to praise and encourage throughout and say things like, “I know you could have done this yourself but I’m happy you want to do it together”. Comments like this will go a long way, especially as your children grow into teens and young adults. They’ll know you are a parent they can count on and who prioritizes them)
- When they accomplish something, make their favorite meal as a reward or take the time out of your busy schedule to show up and be present. (When your child invites you to something, show up. Put work and other priorities aside and show up for your kid. They will notice!)
- Teach your children life-work balance. (When you child does something great, like get a 100% on a test, reward them by giving them a day off from chores or step away from you busy schedule and bake a cake to celebrate together)
- Bring them snacks or water while they’re doing their homework. (Parents so often think homework time needs to be uninterrupted or their child will get distracted. Bringing in a snack or drink can be a silent act. Just think, one day you will be working at home completely focused and your child may bring you a snack or drink. How cool would that be?)
Physical Touch
Does your child love to play with your hair or really like it when you brush their hair? Does your child ask to be held or cuddled? Does your child like to practically sit on your lap or as close as possible, even though you may think they are too old for cuddles or that much closeness? If you found yourself saying yes to any of these questions, then maybe your child sees love and support through physical touch!
Your child may receive love and support best through affectionate, parental warmth! When we think of physical touch in relation to our children, most of us think about hugs and kisses. Here are a few ways to offer physical touch with your child:
- Cuddle and watch a movie together. (Add some popcorn for added fun)
- Give high fives or create a special handshake. (Children love special handshakes!)
- When you notice your child may be feeling sad or upset, ask your child if they need a hug. (If they say no, ask what they do need)
- Give hugs/kisses when they leave for school or to say goodnight (But remember, not all children like physical touch so don’t push it on them. Ask permission and if they say no, figure out which other way of showing love and support is best for your child. Also remember, not all children are alike. Some may like hugs and kisses and others may prefer quality time)
Remember, children are unique and their way of receiving love and support is unique to them. We encourage you to pay attention to how your child reacts when you show them different ways of love and support and then try out the different suggestions. If your children are old enough to have a conversation, share this blog with them and figure it out together.
No matter the way, Happy Valentine’s Day!
*To learn more about Dr. Gary Chapman’s love languages for children, please see his book, “The 5 Love Languages of Children“.
Happy New Year! Can you believe January 2022 is almost over?
As the first month of 2022 is almost over, Kids’ Turn San Diego is reflecting on our path since March 2020. What a journey it has been!
We lived the motto of “building and flying at the same time” for almost a year and then we realized, wait, we got this! The location of our program is less important than the skills we are teaching. It matters less if we are sitting knee to knee in a circle of 25-30 parents in a Family Workshop Class or with 15 children sitting around a table than if we are providing a safe virtual space for children to share their feelings and for their parents to gain insight into their own words, actions, and behaviors.
We reflect. . . since March 2020, we watched parents lose contact with a child because the other parent believed that their child’s other parent was putting their child in harm’s way, exposing them to COVID, not requiring masks, or simply choosing to use the pandemic as a tool to destroy parent-child relationships. This was painful to hear about and saddens us, especially when we hear 8 year old children telling us that one of their parents is “toxic”. This is not the word of an 8 year old child!
Then we listened to children tell us how much they wish their parents would stop fighting, that they want them to stop arguing and yelling at each other, and to stop yelling at them – their children. This, by the way, is not new. Children have been wishing this and telling us this for 25 years! (We celebrated our 25th Anniversary in 2021!)
As we reflect . . . we wonder, do parents continue to argue with their co-parent, even though they have been divorced for years? Do parents still send 10 page texts or emails? Then we think about you . . . are you a parent who says bad words or negative comments about your children’s other parent? Are you forcing (from your child’s perspective) your children to have relationships with your new partner? Are you a parent who is role modeling ineffective communication and unhealthy relationships to your children?
We hope you will reflect! If you answered yes to any of the above questions, from the words of children who have attended our programs, PLEASE STOP!
Your children want their parents to get along. They want you both at their sporting events, dance shows, and school activities. They don’t expect you to sit next to each other, but they want you there, and they deserve to have two parents show up for them! And by the way, if there is a bonus parent in the family (a step parent), your children want you to accept their bonus parent. Stop being jealous or mad that this person gets to raise your children. Stop saying mean things and setting the expectation for your children to dislike their bonus parent. YOU CANNOT CONTROL OTHERS, BUT YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR OWN THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, WORDS AND BEHAVIORS. You have choices about what you think, feel, say and do!
Consider, for a moment, what if for 2022, you made the choice to accept that you and your co-parent got divorced because you couldn’t make your marriage work, and with divorce you need to transition to a different type of relationship – a relationship that is about your children. You are both important to your children. Children are half one parent and half the other. There is no denying this fact! So why would you choose to deny your child access to their other parent, or why would you say mean things about the person that helped you create your children?
What if you decided to take a step back and acknowledge your part in your failed marriage and divorce? What if you recognized that the anger continues between you and your co-parent because you are making a (maybe unconscious) choice for it to continue? What if you decided enough is enough?
What if you decided that for 2022, you were going to accept your part, acknowledge it, and free yourself up from any blame or guilt you feel? What if you decided to leave every negative comment behind? What if you decided that being kind and caring in 2022 to everyone is your goal? What if you chose to praise your children for what they are doing well and focus less on the areas in which they struggle?
What if you decided to be your best self, and if you’re not sure who that is, what if you made discovering that your journey for 2022?
Imagine what life may be like. . .
Less arguing and more peace. Less anger and more love and happiness. Less energy spent on trying to “win” and more energy spent on making every moment with your children count.
Thank you for reflecting with us! We hope your 2022 journey will be full of fun, love, and laughter. We hope you will choose peace for yourself and your children. They really want that and we know you do too, even if it is deep down inside of your heart. Let go of anger and walk the path of resilience and joy! Be a happy person and parent who role models effective communication and healthy relationships. Your children deserve this version of you, and we hope your entire family will find happiness as they walk the path of kindness, care, and peace. We’re here if you need us! Enjoy the journey!
Image taken by Morgan Liberatore of Morning Owl Fine Art Photography www.morningowlfineart.com
Kids’ Turn San Diego honors all military families and thanks you for your service!
Members and families of the United States military commit to serving our country, work long hours, and experience many moves and deployments. Whether this is your first time away, or your 10th, being away from home can put a strain on the family. Staying connected while away doesn’t have to be stressful!
In honor of Veteran’s Day and the Month of Military Family Appreciation, Kids’ Turn San Diego encourages all families to stay connected during times of separation. Here are some suggestions:
1. Create a realistic communication plan
Military service orders are sometimes vague, and the member will not know if communication via phone, text or internet will be possible. Instead of worrying about the details, create a plan with those at home for how they will communicate with the family member who is away.
Schedule a weekly family meeting time where each family member contributes to the Family Journal, a Family Memory Book, a Family Memory Box or a Family Poster. Whatever you choose, during your family meetings, each family member contributes by writing a note, drawing or adding a picture or tape/glue/place something about the week into the journal, book, box or poster.
This may seem silly but wait until your service member returns home! They will get to see everything they missed while away. What a great way to watch your children grow up and learn about all their adventures!
2. Have fun documenting memories and developmental milestones
Find a jar and decorate it with your children or by yourself if your children are too young. Then, whenever something exciting happens, write it down or have your children write it down or draw a picture. You can also slip pictures, crafts, and other items to share in your jar. Items in the jar could be shared during calls and then presented to the service member when they return home. Remind yourself and your children, your service member will need time to transition back into the family. Presenting the jar so they can check it out any time they are ready is a great way to help everyone transition back together.
3. Use the internet or your smart phone to stay connected
Create a shared iCloud account, Vimeo account or google drive where you can upload recorded videos and pictures. Document first walks, first words, and every moment that you love about your child. We all do this so why not share it! Uploading is easy, free, and can be quickly done through a smart phone or computer. As parents, we all take the pictures and save them to our phones. Take the extra step and share them on a shared drive or account so your service member gets to enjoy each video and picture as they are happening and when they are able to view them.
4. Write letters to stay connected
Sending letters is another way to keep in touch! If your little ones aren’t ready to write yet, you can have them draw pictures to mail. The great thing about snail mail is that you’ll have a physical reminder of each other’s love to hold onto!
Short notes or letters can be written by everyone, even the service member. Mail may be slow and could take a month to arrive, but so what! A written letter is a treasure, no matter when it arrives. Save them all! Children will feel important and loved when their parent returns home and pulls out all their letters and then when children show you all your letters, you’ll feel important and loved too. Being away doesn’t have to mean that you miss your children growing up, it just means you participate differently.
5. Keep relationships strong
For military families, it’s not just about the kids. The parents matter too! Stay connected with your spouse in creative ways. For example, the spouse at home could play your wedding song every month on the day you got married or look at your wedding pictures and then share the memory with their spouse during a phone call or text or write the memory in their Thinking About You Book (which could be a spiral notebook or composition book or a special journal you choose). For the spouse who is away, figure out something you’re able to do monthly on your wedding date and then tell your spouse about it during calls, emails, texts or in your Thinking About you Book. If you’re able to keep a Thinking About Your Book or Journal, great, if not, find a different way to share, even if that means sharing when you get home.
Since we know communication can be challenging when a service member is away, brainstorm creative ways to stay connected. Here’s another idea to try. Everyone sees the sky at night so maybe look at the stars on the same date each month and know that your spouse is also looking. This could bring comfort and connection.
In honor of Veterans Day, Kids’ Turn San Diego salutes all veterans, active duty and reserve service members and their families! Your contribution and sacrifice for our safety must be acknowledged and honored. We thank you all!
Tricks (or Treats!) for Co-Parenting on Halloween
Halloween is quickly approaching which means lots of sweet treats, crazy costumes, and family fun! However, if your family is experiencing divorce, Halloween may also be a stressful time as it starts the difficult question of, “how do we share the kids for the holidays?”. Whatever the decision there is not one parent who wins or loses! Your whole family can have a fun and spooktacular Halloween with these tricks to co-parenting on Halloween!
Being able to both accompany your children as they trick-or-treat is ideal for children in divorced families. If you choose to share the night together, here are some tricks to remember:
1. Put your child first!
Being around your co-parent can bring out complicated thoughts and feelings. Despite these emotions, remember that successful co-parenting occurs when each parent values how important it is to put their child first! Take time to listen to what your child wants to do. Maybe they want to trick-or-treat with their friends, or dress up and parade around the house. Halloween is a holiday for the kids to have fun! If it’s possible, for the one night, put aside your own feelings and make decisions with your child in mind first.
2. Make decisions ahead of time.
One of the most important things to avoid on Halloween is arguing in front of your children. Show your children that you and your co-parent can cooperate! This means that you’ll want to figure out how the night will go ahead of time. Things to consider are what time you’ll meet up, what neighborhood you’ll be going to, how long you’ll stay out for, and who your child goes home with at the end of the night. Making these decisions ahead of time will help make the rest of the night flow smoothly!
3. Enjoy the night!
Children pick up on tension and stress easily, so it is important for you to relax and enjoy the night as well! Take pictures of your child in their costume, hold their hand as you walk around, and simply let yourself enjoy the quality time you are getting with your child. Yes, your co-parent may be with you as well but that does not have to change the fun that your child has, or that you have. By doing this, you send a message to your child that says, “We love you and are committed to making you happy! We can put aside our issues for you.”
Not all cases are the same, so if you would rather choose to split the day or alternate which of you is with the children each year, here are some ideas on how to handle your Halloween:
1. Leave the Choosing to the Parents
Do not force your child to choose between one parent or the other. Putting your child in the position of choosing parents can be emotionally distressing so do not set them up for disappointment or unnecessary stress. Your child comes from both you and your co-parent, so they love you both! Talk to your co-parent to decide who will have your child at what time/year/days. If this seems difficult, you can always reach out for professional help!
2. Create new traditions!
Just because you do not have your kids on Halloween night does not mean the fun ends. Create a new tradition with your kids! Halloween events occur throughout all of October. Maybe your business throws a Halloween party that you can take your kids to? Does your community host any trunk or treat events, or pumpkin patches? Could you find a day to watch Halloween movies and decorate the house together? Halloween is not limited to one day. Your child will feel lucky that they get to celebrate Halloween more than once, and you will both get to bond during this quality time together!
3. Share the highlights.
Send photos of your children in their costumes to your co-parent. Let your children know you are doing this, as it is a kind gesture that will feel good to your children. If you’re the parent getting the picture, when you see your children, make sure you tell them how much you loved their costume! Stay engaged with your child and ask them about how the night went or what their favorite parts were. These simple actions can help your children feel more comfortable and confident about your family’s divorce because they’ll know you are still part of their life.
We hope these tricks help make Halloween a treat for your entire family! Remember that using a creative and kid centered approach to sharing holidays can make even the most complicated situations a success. Happy Halloween!
Over one year into the pandemic, it's normal to have questions and uncertainties as life begins to shift again. Here we share our answers to the most common questions we're hearing from co-parents in our Family Workshops for Separated and Divorced Families.
We have just passed the one year mark of living through the COVID-19 pandemic. I remember having so many questions at this time last year, thinking that we would be out of work for a couple of months, max, and worried about buying toilet paper, getting a thermometer that actually worked properly and finding disinfecting wipes and anti-bacterial hand gel. It was a scary time!
And here we are — one year later. No matter who or where you are, there is one thing we all share: We have all been impacted by COVID in one way or another!
As life begins to shift again, our questions are real and important. Our thoughts and feelings are valid, even if others think or feel differently. If you’re anxious, worried or even scared sometimes, you are NORMAL!
In this past year, disinfecting wipes and hand gel became my new best friends. If you need hand gel, I am the one to ask. This is my new reality and surprisingly, the reality of many others. But not everyone is this way. Some people socialize with others without masks or social distancing or say “no thank you” when you offer them a squirt of hand gel. This thinking is very different than mine, and I don’t understand it.
One thing I do understand is that I have no control over anyone else!
At Kids’ Turn San Diego, 506 parents and their 323 children have attended our Family Workshops since the pandemic began. We have heard a lot of questions. Here are the top seven.
I hope so! Studies are showing that the COVID-19 vaccines are effective at protecting you against COVID-19 and from becoming seriously sick if you do get it. I am vaccinated, and although I was hesitant at first and continue to wear masks and to use disinfecting wipes and hand gel regularly, I feel safer and relieved that I am vaccinated. The other people in my home are waiting to get appointments. We will all feel a little safer and relieved that we took another step to protect ourselves and others. When I was undecided, I talked with my doctor and asked for their recommendation. Talk with your doctor if you have questions.
These are difficult decisions. Some parents have reached out to the courts and were disappointed when their case was not heard, while others took the path of claiming that the other parent is intentionally putting the children at risk. If parents cannot agree, you may want to consider a conversation with your child’s doctor. If your child is sick and has to go to the doctor, you would treat the illness with the medicine provided so that your child would get better. So, if you’re unsure, go with the doctor’s recommendation. The best thing for your children is for their parents to decide together. This shows your children that you are a united front when it comes to them, and that you have their best interest at the forefront of all decisions.
Remember: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR CHILD’S OTHER HOUSE. You will never know the reason why, so challenge yourself to let go of your worry. Instead, focus on what you can control. For example, when your children return to your home, take their temperatures, have them change their clothes, have them take a shower or bath, have them wash their hands, or wear a mask around them. (I know this sounds silly, but YOU have the power to protect yourself by wearing a mask). Get creative with your children and create a return plan together. It will be easier to implement if your children help create the plan.
Only time will tell, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the people who know way more about COVID-19 than any of us are saying yes. So, if you are comfortable, send your children to school. If you’re not comfortable, remote learning has been going on for a year and you and your children are probably pretty good at it by now. If it’s working and makes you all feel better, make arrangements with the school.
Again, only time will tell what the summer holds for all of us. Talk with your children. If they want to return to these activities, talk about how they will take care of themselves. Because there are so many unknowns, I encourage you to pay deposits only and hold off on paying full fees until you are sure that the opportunity will be happening.
The CDC and our local health department has been making decisions based on the number of COVID cases and positive test rates. The numbers are decreasing as more people are getting vaccinated. Talk with your place of employment. Maybe you can work remotely on some days and at the office on others. When it comes to the question of who will stay with your children while you’re at work, consider your co-parent. Are they still working remotely? Collaborating on a temporary plan related to children being at home and parents needing to work is a great idea. Use “I statements” to work on the details. Think of it as a business transaction so that there are no emotions tied to the conversation. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve heard a parent say no to hanging out with their children when they are home and available, so this is a great idea (and it doesn’t cost you any money)!
We’re hearing a lot about children as young as seven having panic attacks since they returned to school. The best thing you can do is to reassure them and ask them what they need to feel safe and secure. Maybe they need to take a picture of you with them. Maybe their favorite stuffed animal needs to travel in their backpack. Maybe they need to hear from their parents that your expectations of them are to have fun and to engage with their friends — and if they can learn, too, that would be great! Children are worried about not meeting the teacher’s expectations, so set clear parent expectations to help them relax and feel better. If your child continues to feel anxious, request a conversation with the teacher. They have been living through the pandemic, too, and may need a reminder of what your child needs to be successful in the classroom. Also, structure and calendars work great to help reduce anxiety in children. Create a family calendar that shows which days your child is at each parent’s home, at-school days and remote learning days, weekends, events and activities. Add birthdays too. Knowing how to use a calendar is a life skill, so this is a great opportunity to teach it to your child. Get creative with stickers and colors and make it fun!
We’re here for you at Kids’ Turn San Diego. We wish you the best of luck as we all navigate these uncharted waters!
When it comes to spending time with our kids, the activity is less important than the quality of the time together!
Many of us have been spending more time at home than ever — but are we truly connecting, engaging and sharing with each other, especially our children?
Parents are trying hard to keep up with work amid the distractions at home, but children are also struggling with this new arrangement. They need our attention and time.
Parents are busy, but intentionally carving out quality time together can help.
Quality time doesn’t have to be complicated, and it doesn’t have to cost money. Even small moments can be a source of connection with our children. Check out our ideas below for how we can spend more quality time with our kids while staying safer at home.
Ages 5-7
- Have a dance party
- Color together
- Play Hide and seek
- Play Candyland
- Play tic-tac-toe
- Do arts and crafts
- Decorate your home with pictures you draw together
- Read together
- Make cards for family and friends
- Create a scavenger hunt for things around the house
- Paint with watercolors
Ages 8-11
- Play “Go Fish”
- Play charades
- Play Pictionary
- Watch a movie together
- Play the Guess the Feeling game
- Make pizza or mac and cheese and eat together
- Play video games together (in moderation)
- Bake cookies together
- Make and enjoy smoothies together
- Ride bikes together
- Have a dance or sing-a-long party
Ages 12+
- Watch their favorite show with them
- Play board games
- Cook a recipe and eat together
- Go for a walk together
- Go for a drive to pick up special takeout or a treat
- Give yourselves manicures or pedicures together
- Make tie-dye shirts together
- Listen to each other’s music
- Create a family picture album together
- Do something fun that your teen enjoyed when they were younger, like coloring hard-boiled eggs, cutting out snowflakes or drawing together
As parents, sometimes we get so caught up in being adults or parents that we forget how to get down on the floor and play, or that dance parties and sing-a-longs are fun. When it comes to spending time with our kids, the activity is less important than the quality of the time together! Find your inner child and make the most of being at home with your children. No one is watching, so let yourself have some fun. You deserve it!
Often it's enough to just spend time together, talking, listening, and being close.
- Spending time together. As we are required to be at home much more than usual, take a breather from your laptop and take the opportunity to spend quality time with your child! Do fun physical exercises together such as the #60second punches or the “See 10, do 10” challenge on social media. You can even create an obstacle course that you can all enjoy! Play hide and seek or board or video games, or simply spend the time coloring and allowing your mind to relax. For teens who have TikTok, collaborate with them by practicing and filming a TikTok dance challenge. Your cool points will definitely go up! This is the time to strengthen your bond and be together as a family.
- Talk to them. With COVID-19, the summer of 2020 is full of uncertainties that children may not understand. Ask your children how they feel or if they have questions. For younger children, you can have them draw pictures of your family doing fun things together or create poems or stories about how they may be feeling. A few feeling words could be: happy, excited, anxious, worried or sad. Discuss the stories, poems or words with your child and ask your child if there is anything that would help make summer more fun. For older children, ask them what they think about current events and listen to their thoughts and feelings. Open up lines of communication between you and your child so that they can feel more comfortable expressing themselves now and in the future. Listen to your children without giving advice or trying to solve their problems. Work WITH your children to brainstorm and create a list or plan of fun things that they could do on their own or with you throughout the rest of the summer.
- Navigate close quarters. Having the entire family in the home for an extended period of time can put stress on any family. This may cause tension between parents or with children. Communication skills are vital in this situation. Practice using the “I Statement” communication technique with your family members. It works well with both adults and children. Regular check-ins (daily or every other day) can help alleviate some tension of being constantly in the home as well. “I Statements” are “I feel ______ when ______, please ______.”
- Chalk the Walk. Create beautiful chalk art on your driveway or neighborhood sidewalk to inspire your community. All that’s needed is sidewalk chalk and imagination!
- Visit a virtual museum like the San Diego Children’s Discovery Museum.
- Volunteer together! Check out opportunities here.
Written by: Sue Clark, Kids’ Turn San Diego Group Leader and Retired Teacher
As businesses are slowly re-opening and you may be out and about with your children, they will notice everyone wearing a face mask, some people will be wearing gloves, and they may see protests or people walking around with signs. Children may struggle to understand or cope. These internal struggles will most commonly be seen through an increase in emotional outbursts or behavior problems.
My daughter asked me to help her with organizing distance learning for her two teenage sons and 10 year old daughter while she and her husband worked from home. As a retired teacher, I was thrilled to help. I worked several times a week with our 10 year old granddaughter and was allowed to virtually enter into her new world of sheltering in place. It sure made me realize how difficult this new reality was for a family trying to work together amid so many new transitions.
As a grandparent, my message to my adult children is simple: “I love my Zoom time with my granddaughter, so when you need a short time to catch your breath, you can count on me! I may need help to learn at first, and I may need some technical assistance the first few times. But I want to learn, I want to help my granddaughter, and I want to help you! Let me help you catch your breath!”
As a retired teacher, I oftentimes look at resources related to children and learning. During a call with my daughter, she shared with me some information from the Child Mind Institute sent from a school principal on how to deal with behavior problems brought on by pandemic-related transitions in our lives. The article started with one very important question:
How are your children coping with these new transitions brought on by school and sports shutdowns, social distancing and social unrest?
Here are my thoughts: As businesses are slowly re-opening and you may be out and about with your children, they will notice everyone wearing a face mask, some people will be wearing gloves, and they may see protests or people walking around with signs. Children may struggle to understand or cope. These internal struggles will most commonly be seen through an increase in emotional outbursts or behavior problems.
When children have frequent emotional outbursts, it can be a sign that they haven’t yet developed the skills they need to cope with feelings like frustration, anxiety, and anger. Other children may seem to struggle more with boundaries and following rules. They may be defiant, ignore instructions or try to talk their way out of things that aren’t optional.
Coping requires impulse control, emotional self-regulation, problem-solving and being able to communicate one’s wishes and needs to others. Parents can aid in the process of helping children cope and learn to develop internal strengths that will help them navigate challenging times. For example, remember, children mimic their parents. If observing a protest, try to calmly adjust to your environment and answer your children’s questions in a factual way. This is an opportunity to educate them and to ask them what they think may be going on or, for older children, what they know about the protests or how they think or feel about them. Another encounter may occur when you’re in the store and someone sneezes. With the sneeze, you may be more fearful than your child so try and manage your own feelings. If you find yourself needing to say something, saying something simple like, “I’m glad we are wearing masks because that person just sneezed. The person is probably not sick but wearing masks will help keep us safe and healthy.”
Remember, it is normal right now to feel uneasy or worried about our community and how things will look in the future. To help your children during these times, be consistent, give warnings about transition times and turn off the TV/social media/devices when your children want to talk with you. This is a time to open your ears and truly listen to your children.
Here are some tips for helping children have days full of positive behaviors and happy smiles:
- Set clear expectations and write them out together. When children are given the chance to help create the expectations, they are more likely to follow them. We encourage you to make this a fun activity by inviting everyone to sit together, telling your children what you hope to accomplish, like “I asked everyone to come together because I’d like us to create new family rules/summer rules/no school rules—you can even create a new name together—so we all know who is responsible for doing what and when things need to be done.” Be positive and make it fun. “Let’s start with the easy things.” Start with rules/expectations you already have that everyone is already following and go from there. Encourage your children to brainstorm, like, “What needs to be done in the kitchen? Bathroom?” Remember that your children do not always know what you want or how you expect them to behave, so it is important to communicate your expectations.
- Schedule breaks for your children and yourself. Children respond best when they have breaks. We encourage you to be creative — snacks, water, jumping jacks, or a brainstorming session with your children about what movie to watch tonight or what book to read.
- Remember, children mimic their parents. No matter where you are or what you are doing, try to calmly adjust to your environment and answer your children’s questions in a factual way. Remain calm and model the behavior you want. It is also helpful to go into the room to talk with your child and avoid calling out from a distance.
- If your child is having a bad day, focus on what they are doing well and less on what they are doing wrong. Before commenting, it is best to wait until a meltdown or tantrum is over. As long as your child is in a safe place, it is okay to ignore these types of behaviors and pay attention for anything positive and then comment on the positive behavior. For example, if your child is refusing to do their math homework but is willing to work on spelling, forget about the math for now and praise your child for their spelling skills and how much you like it when they ask you for help with spelling.
- If you notice that your child has a hard time with a specific activity or situation, this may be a trigger of some emotion or behavior. It may be helpful to notice or think about what generally happens before that behavior and what may be triggering the emotional response. Noticing and understanding what may be causing the behavior may help you anticipate the trigger and hopefully prevent those behaviors from happening. If you do notice a consistent trigger for emotions and/or behaviors, try increasing communication around transition time and see if you notice anything different. Sometimes seeking professional assistance is helpful.
- Let kids have a choice. Do you want to shower before or after dinner? Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt? When giving choices, make sure you are okay with both options, otherwise you may be setting your child up for a lifetime of thinking they always make the wrong decisions or choices.
- When transitions are coming, provide a countdown for the transitions. “We have 20 more minutes here and then let’s start packing up.” Making a schedule together or using a calendar teaches your children how to prepare for change and transition.
- Learn to communicate with your children by listening to them. Let them express their feelings and ask questions that elicit a response other than a yes or no answer. However, be cautious about not asking too many questions. When your child gets home from school, instead of asking about homework first thing, maybe try, “What was the best part of your day today?” Listen and share something about your day. If there is a schedule for homework time, when that time is approaching, you could say, “Homework time starts in 10 minutes. About how much do you have tonight?”
- Teach your children to be kind and helpful by role modeling through your own kind and helpful behaviors. For example, when you see someone who is homeless, if you would typically judge them for how they look or what they’re doing, instead teach your child empathy. “Looks like that person may be really struggling. I hope they are healthy and have a place to sleep at night.”
- Try to remain positive in these difficult times, so your children will be upbeat and positive. It’s okay to tell your children every now and then that you are having a tough day and need to take a time out. Children learn that parents struggle sometimes too and you’re teaching them that time-outs help people settle down and refocus.
- Create routines. Children feel safest and most secure when there are routines and they know what to expect.
- Use rewards and lots of praise. Praise them every day and thank them when they praise you for something. Also, remember to encourage your children too. Say “You got this,” or “I know this homework is really challenging, but let’s do it together until we figure it out.” Encouraging your children shows them that you believe in them.
- Spend time engaging with your children every day so that they have quality time with you. Quality time is when your children feel heard and understood. Ask questions that require a response versus a yes or no answer. Questions could be, “Tell me about ___” or “What was the best part of your day today?” Whether you see your children every day or a couple times a week, put everything else aside and make your time about your children. Even if homework needs to be done, do a little, take a break and do something together and then get back to the homework. The breaks may be totally unrelated to homework or perhaps make the homework more fun by putting the alphabet, multiplication tables or biology terminology to song or dance. Your children will appreciate your flexibility and you will find homework time to go smoother and maybe even faster.