Same situation but different hopes and feelings. No one can get inside our head or bodies and take control of our thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. Only we have the choice on how we think, feel, and behave. So, if you find yourself stuck in this dynamic, you have self-awareness and self-awareness is the first step towards change. The next step is to consider how your child may feel about the situation, then make the change to choose peace. We empower children to share their feelings in a healthy and safe way because it can make a difference in their home life and is a lifelong skill. When children share their feelings, they are more likely to do well in school and less likely to choose drugs or alcohol to self-medicate childhood pain or family drama.

We recommend “I Feel” statements which often look like:

“I Feel ____ When ____, Please ____.”

For example, “I Feel scared When you argue, please stop fighting over me.”

Since you get to choose your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, what if you decide to let the argument go? What if you decide that your children are more important than the dislike you have for their other parent? Investing in your child is a skill that may be applied here. Investing in your children is when you give them your attention in an age-appropriate way.

For younger children, imaginary play may be best.

For an 8–11-year-old, they may want to do an art project, bake or play video games together.

Teens would probably prefer a trip to get coffee, boba or frozen yogurt.

When we invest in our children, they feel listened to, heard, and important. This is one strategy to bring peace into your home.

Another strategy to bring peace into your home is to remember that mean words stick. For example, in military families, we have heard some parents blame the service member’s duty or commitment for the breakdown of the family unit or to even take it a step further and say that the service member is more committed to their “job” than to the family or the children. These words are hurtful to children and can be confusing too.

Imagine you are the child of a service member about to be deployed. You attend an event with a bouncy house, face painting, and fun games. The child is probably having fun, despite the circumstances. The parents may be experiencing stress amid this transition filled with creating plans to stay connected during deployment, signing forms, and handling the emotions of saying goodbye for now to their family. Sometime after the event, the pending stress of the separation may lead parents to say negative things in front of their children. It is important to remember that your children are a blend of you both. When you say bad things about a child’s other parent, it can hurt the child’s feelings and leave them to wonder if you feel that way about them too. This is especially common when a child looks like or resembles their other parent.

As a parent in a military family, you get to choose your words, actions and behaviors.

Imagine this Event: Your spouse or co-parent is leaving for a 6-month deployment

What option will you choose?