Parental alienation is a behavior which we can be aware of. What does parental alienation look like? 

Parental alienation can be obvious like…

• bad mouthing your co-parent to your child
• posting harsh messages on social media aimed at your co-parent

Or it can be more subtle like…

• Telling your child about an event or activity that occurs during their other parent’s custody time before you request flexibility with your co-parent, thus setting your child up for disappointment

Why do we do this? Are we doing this on purpose or is it unintentional? 

Sometimes, we let our emotions come out before we think through how they affect the decisions we make, causing us to say things that our children do not need to hear. Sometimes, we feel the desire or the entitlement to be their favorite parent because we do X, Y, and Z. 

How can we avoid parental alienation? 

Parental alienation can happen through ill intent or through unconscious behavior. Here are some strategies to avoid parental alienation:

• Recognize your triggers. In separation and divorce, there can be heightened emotions and sometimes unresolved issues come back even when you least expect them. Do certain conversations or words upset you? Do you notice your face getting hot or some physical sensation in your body before having an emotional reaction? Sometimes unresolved emotions lead to emotional triggers that result in our reacting vs. our responding. Engaging in parental alienation is often the reaction. As a way to avoid this, noticing physical reactions in your body first can stop the reaction. Or, remember the HOOK technique? You get to choose how you feel and think and how you behave. Remember we have 100% control of ourselves! 
• Reflect before you react. When you feel triggered, we encourage taking a moment to cool down before reacting. Questions we can ask ourselves before we engage are: Does this behavior protect our children and prioritize their well-being? Is this going to be beneficial or harmful for our children? 
• Respect your roles. You are co-parents. You both are important to your children so honor your co-parent’s place in your child’s life. You do not need to like your co-parent. You do not need to respect them. You do need to accept that your children have two parents and they have the right to love both of their parents. 

What can a parent do when they feel alienated? 

We encourage parents to always stay ready to connect with their children. Here are some ways an alienated parent can be ready when their child is ready to rebuild the parent-child relationship:

• Show your children you care about them through everyday moments. Even if you do not have your children with you all the time or often, you can still be involved and show your children how much you care. When you have a scheduled call or Facetime with your child, ask them about something you know happened recently like a spelling test that you saw on their school portal or tell them about something that reminded you of them.
• Leave them messages in a healthy way. If you are not in contact with your children now or maybe you just want to have something for them to look back on in the future or for specific milestones, you can write letters to them which you save in a keepsake box or record video messages so they can watch them back. Or you could create journals for each child and write messages to reflect every missed call or contact time. Always remember to put the date and the time. Someday your children will reach out to you and you want to be ready to show them you never stopped thinking about them. Examples of journal entries could be: 
  1. Dear Child, So sorry I missed you tonight during our call. I was hoping to hear about your spelling test. I’m sure you did great! Love, Parent. 
  2. Dear Child, During our call tonight, I was going to see if you saw the rainbow in the sky. The colors were so bright. I hope you saw it! Love, Parent. 
  3. Dear Child, I can’t believe you’re 10 today. Double digits!!! I hope your birthday was awesome. Love, Parent. 

If you are a parent who has alienated your co-parent or if you are a parent who feels alienated, hope is not lost. We can always work toward improving ourselves and our relationships so that our children can develop healthy communication, boundaries, and relationships. Children learn what they live and often live what they learned so it is important to model respect and resilience and show children how to be kind, caring humans who are confident in their emotional well-being and life. 

If this blog resonated with you or led to unexpected feelings or thoughts, please take care of yourself. 

We hope every child will feel heard, seen, and understood by their parents. Your children deserve the best of you. We are here to help your family get there. 

Kids’ Turn San Diego is here to support you through our Graduate Program or Continue the Conversation Classes. You can also take the Family Workshop again or register for our high conflict co-parenting program, Cooperative Co-Parenting. No parent is left behind. Please reach out or register for the program that is right for you.