Bells ringing, feet shuffling down the hall, asking about homework due dates and when the next test is. As September has come and gone, everyone has gotten back into the flow of the school day, running into class to make the 8:30 bell. With new deadlines and homework, you can lose sight of the people and support around you without realizing it. 

This summer, I went on a road trip along the coast to visit some of the colleges I’m considering. Along this trip, I understood more about what my mom envisions, what I expect, and the similarities and differences we both recognize for my future. It is easy to get lost between the lines and to be on different pages. Whether you’re a senior applying to colleges or a 9th grader who just freshly started high school, it is crucial to remember that while it’s easiest to understand your feelings, and your feelings only, there are people around you who care too and want to be a part of your life. 

Below is an example of a college road trip experienced by a child (me!), and a road trip experienced by a parent, written by both of us:

At School 3

• Teen Point of View:  “Wow, I never would have thought I would like this school. The campus, the sports, and the city. I cannot wait to apply. Thank goodness my mom drove me. I did not want to go alone. I will say though, it is chilly! We’ve been here for 30 minutes already, I’m ready to go to the next school.”
• Parent Point of View at School 3: “It’s been a long day of driving and walking on campuses. She seems so excited about this school, but it is cold and far, and the closest airport is an hour away. This is not my favorite. I like the small city feel but with such a big sports team, will there be a lot of drinking? Oh my goodness, she’s ready to go to the next school?? We just got here! I’m so tired of driving!”

At School 7

• Teen Point of View: “I did not like this school, the mission just isn’t something I align with. Ugh, that sucks! I knew I wasn’t going to like it. I told my mom I wasn’t going to like this school too. Well, whatever, onto the next school it’s only an hour away. Maybe we can stop and get sandwiches.”
• Parent Point of View: “I know she told me she wouldn’t like the school, but we came anyway because she wanted to be sure. It’s so far out of the way, why did I agree to this? Let’s get some lunch! The waiter says, are you looking at this school? Then he turns to me. This is not the school for your daughter! This is a party school, too much drinking and partying for this pretty girl. My daughter says, see I told you. What?!? Let’s eat and I’ll clear my head. Can’t she just go to a local school that doesn’t require hours of driving so I can get there if she needs support, help or whatever? Breathe, only 4 more schools to go!”

Not every parent is going to fully understand their child, and not every child is going to fully understand their parent. This is true regardless of your age or family situation. As a child grows older, developing their own perspectives, and following their individual pathway, it can feel overwhelming for them. For a parent, this transition can also be scary or anxiety-inducing at times. However, what is important is that we acknowledge the importance of this metamorphosis and recognize the effort made on both sides to be there for one another and learn that neither we kids nor our parents are alone in this process. Family dynamics are not always straightforward, and it often takes patience to understand what is happening in each other’s heads and lives.

At Kids’ Turn San Diego, we hear about this metamorphosis experience regularly when parents tell us that their teens have been alienated or brainwashed by their other parent and that their teen no longer wants to be with them. Occasionally this could be accurate, but in most families, the teens are simply growing up! They experience many pressures in high school – excel in extracurriculars, get good grades, make sure your GPA is higher than 4.0 so you can get into the college you want, friend drama, navigating the reality of relationships, your siblings and your parents and their drama or conflict. The list goes on and on. 

Every child navigates these challenges. You navigated these developmental milestones. Every parent survived their teen years! Think about it, what was that like for you? 

Children grow into teenagers and young adults. Their brains develop and they think differently. Many times, they will have different visions for themselves and their lives than their parents have for them. As the Fall is upon us, with mid-term exams and college applications due soon, celebrate critical thinking. Engage in conversations with your teens and listen to understand. 

When we encourage learning about others, recognize differences in perspective, and learn how to grow together, we become the change for our family. Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” According to Genesisca.org (June 17, 2019), “Gandhi was trying to say that in order to make effective change in this world, we must first alter our personal nature. When we do that, the world is a whole new place for us to make change with our new perspective. If we wait for others to take action on our behalf, we’ll be waiting a lifetime.” Be the change!