What does DIVORCE mean to you? Devastation, Indecision, Victory Or Remorse, Children, Empowered? Are you stuck or moving forward? Do you feel miserable or grateful? Do you choose peace or power?

I recently attended a grounding and connection circle and they played a video of The Bengsons singing their song “Hope Comes”. The lyrics, “So gather up your sinew and gather up your faction. Hope is not a feeling; hope is an action” resonated with me. 

If hope is an action, then is that why, so often, in high conflict divorces people feel stuck? If hope is an action and we feel bogged down by anger and grief, attorney fees, splitting our finances that once provided nicely into barely providing, or stuck in the actions that led to the separation or divorce resulting in more anger and grief and feeling disempowered by our circumstances or situations, is this why we’re stuck? Is this why so many lose track of choosing peace? Is this why our hearts hurt and cry for help but we shut out the help or deny ourselves the joy of healing?

I don’t know the answer, but when we see hope as an action, it means we get to choose. It means we get to decide our next step. We get to take our own personal action. We get to step into finding peace within our hearts. Peace within may result in hope and positive action outside of our hearts. It may mean you choose to stop the fight, to listen and really hear what your children and co-parent say. Using your active listening skills and listening with intention. Peace within may mean considering your co-parent’s requests for connections with your shared children and/or their requests for time and involvement as they want to be a good parent. We invite you to consider choosing gratitude that your children exist because they have two parents who love them – who want to watch them grow, who want to sit in hope for a happy and healthy positive and bright future. Hope is an action, and you get to choose it. 

Remember, you have no power or control over others. You only have power and control over yourself and you get to choose your words, actions and behaviors. 

 I encourage you to listen to The Bengsons’ song “Hope Comes” then reflect on the words.

A happy life, even in a divorced family, is possible! Remember, “hope is an action”.

As the year wraps up, we encourage you to reflect…

Are you happy? Are you living a life with joy in your heart? Are you grateful for your life?

We hope all KTSD Parent Graduates are! Your life may not be following the path you had planned, but being grateful and having joy is possible for everyone!

This year, we grounded ourselves with the concept of gratitude– being thankful, making what we have enough, and finding the good in situations – and how this mindset makes a difference. As the year comes to a close, we expect and hope for more beautiful things to come. 

If your answer was yes to the questions, that choice brings happiness to your children and to KTSD. When you choose happiness, your children choose happiness, they overcome obstacles and challenges, effectively problem-solve and they tend to be responsive instead of reactive. Your children will grow up and have bright futures ahead 🙂

If your answer was no, bright futures are possible for your children too, but, you may need to do some work. In her University of Virginia’s Commencement speech, Rita Dove said, “Some things… I wish I could have heard, if I’d had sense enough to listen.” We invite you to  truly listen to the message by asking yourself the following questions:

• Am I in my own way of my happiness?
• Am I overly focused on MY children being with ME instead of remembering that MY children have two parents and they are OUR CHILDREN?
• Are there others in my ears telling me what to do and I’m listening even though these actions are keeping me stuck?
• What am I holding out for, one extra custody day, an extra holiday, a birthday, child support?
• What is keeping me stuck and engaged in a way that I do not want, but I stay committed to, no matter what?
• When we were together, I was miserable. We are no longer together, so why do I continue to be miserable?

If you answered no, for the remainder of 2024, no matter where your children are, we invite you to invest in yourself. KTSD Parent Graduates – review your program workbooks, join a Continue the Conversation class (next class 12/19 at 6pm), grieve, journal, request a Graduate Session, do whatever it takes. Sometimes the hardest pathway is the one best for you, your family, and your community. Opportunities knock and we are knocking! Open yourself up to change and growth and next year will include joy, gratitude, and strength!

For those who answered yes, you know divorce and healing is a journey. You have followed your path and crossed your unique bridge. Your journey may have been long and creaky, but you crossed the bridge and got to the other side. Your current path may still be challenging but you got this! Hold onto patience for every bridge you have yet to cross and gratitude for those in your life. Wisdom is a beautiful thing to share, so if you’d like, please share with us what helped you and we will pass it to others. 

Kids’ Turn San Diego sits in gratitude for the honor of being a part of so many families’ journeys to peace, joy, and gratitude. We are always here for you and your family! 

We wish you a holiday season filled with joy and gratitude. HAPPY HOLIDAYS from the KTSD Family!

During this month of gratitude, there are so many things to be thankful for, memories to cherish, and words to remember. This is a time to reflect on what we’re grateful for and those special moments that fill our hearts with joy. Gratitude is not all about what we possess or what we receive, but also the kindness we show, the respect we express, and the thanks we give. Gratitude is a powerful practice. 

This Thanksgiving, whether you are with your family, with friends, at work, or on your own, it is a wonderful time to pause and appreciate different aspects of life. Ancient Greek storyteller Aesop has an inspiring quote which can help families reflect during this time, while also practicing gratitude.

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.”  – Aesop

Comparison and the mindset of “they have more than me” can often lead to stress, unhappiness, and resentment. Taking the time to count our blessings and focus on what is going right can transform our experiences for the better. This shift in perspective can remind us of the abundance life has to offer everyone and that there is enough to share.

For co-parents sharing custody, it may not feel fair if you are not spending Thanksgiving with your child or it might just make you sad. These feelings are valid, but sitting in that feeling can be harmful to you, your child, and your co-parent if it comes out as a mean comment or it places guilt on your child for an arrangement outside of anyone’s control. 

By remembering Aesop’s quote and practicing gratitude, you can see the other side of the situation. It can be a great experience for your child to make memories with their other parent or enjoy a special recipe or tradition from their side of the family. You can also think back on a fond holiday memory or think forward to the next time you’ll see your child. 

Need more inspiration? Here are a few other quotes about gratitude.

“The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.” – Dalai Lama

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart.” – Jean Baptiste Massieu

Happy Thanksgiving from Kids’ Turn San Diego!

Bells ringing, feet shuffling down the hall, asking about homework due dates and when the next test is. As September has come and gone, everyone has gotten back into the flow of the school day, running into class to make the 8:30 bell. With new deadlines and homework, you can lose sight of the people and support around you without realizing it. 

This summer, I went on a road trip along the coast to visit some of the colleges I’m considering. Along this trip, I understood more about what my mom envisions, what I expect, and the similarities and differences we both recognize for my future. It is easy to get lost between the lines and to be on different pages. Whether you’re a senior applying to colleges or a 9th grader who just freshly started high school, it is crucial to remember that while it’s easiest to understand your feelings, and your feelings only, there are people around you who care too and want to be a part of your life. 

Below is an example of a college road trip experienced by a child (me!), and a road trip experienced by a parent, written by both of us:

At School 3

• Teen Point of View:  “Wow, I never would have thought I would like this school. The campus, the sports, and the city. I cannot wait to apply. Thank goodness my mom drove me. I did not want to go alone. I will say though, it is chilly! We’ve been here for 30 minutes already, I’m ready to go to the next school.”
• Parent Point of View at School 3: “It’s been a long day of driving and walking on campuses. She seems so excited about this school, but it is cold and far, and the closest airport is an hour away. This is not my favorite. I like the small city feel but with such a big sports team, will there be a lot of drinking? Oh my goodness, she’s ready to go to the next school?? We just got here! I’m so tired of driving!”

At School 7

• Teen Point of View: “I did not like this school, the mission just isn’t something I align with. Ugh, that sucks! I knew I wasn’t going to like it. I told my mom I wasn’t going to like this school too. Well, whatever, onto the next school it’s only an hour away. Maybe we can stop and get sandwiches.”
• Parent Point of View: “I know she told me she wouldn’t like the school, but we came anyway because she wanted to be sure. It’s so far out of the way, why did I agree to this? Let’s get some lunch! The waiter says, are you looking at this school? Then he turns to me. This is not the school for your daughter! This is a party school, too much drinking and partying for this pretty girl. My daughter says, see I told you. What?!? Let’s eat and I’ll clear my head. Can’t she just go to a local school that doesn’t require hours of driving so I can get there if she needs support, help or whatever? Breathe, only 4 more schools to go!”

Not every parent is going to fully understand their child, and not every child is going to fully understand their parent. This is true regardless of your age or family situation. As a child grows older, developing their own perspectives, and following their individual pathway, it can feel overwhelming for them. For a parent, this transition can also be scary or anxiety-inducing at times. However, what is important is that we acknowledge the importance of this metamorphosis and recognize the effort made on both sides to be there for one another and learn that neither we kids nor our parents are alone in this process. Family dynamics are not always straightforward, and it often takes patience to understand what is happening in each other’s heads and lives.

At Kids’ Turn San Diego, we hear about this metamorphosis experience regularly when parents tell us that their teens have been alienated or brainwashed by their other parent and that their teen no longer wants to be with them. Occasionally this could be accurate, but in most families, the teens are simply growing up! They experience many pressures in high school – excel in extracurriculars, get good grades, make sure your GPA is higher than 4.0 so you can get into the college you want, friend drama, navigating the reality of relationships, your siblings and your parents and their drama or conflict. The list goes on and on. 

Every child navigates these challenges. You navigated these developmental milestones. Every parent survived their teen years! Think about it, what was that like for you? 

Children grow into teenagers and young adults. Their brains develop and they think differently. Many times, they will have different visions for themselves and their lives than their parents have for them. As the Fall is upon us, with mid-term exams and college applications due soon, celebrate critical thinking. Engage in conversations with your teens and listen to understand. 

When we encourage learning about others, recognize differences in perspective, and learn how to grow together, we become the change for our family. Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” According to Genesisca.org (June 17, 2019), “Gandhi was trying to say that in order to make effective change in this world, we must first alter our personal nature. When we do that, the world is a whole new place for us to make change with our new perspective. If we wait for others to take action on our behalf, we’ll be waiting a lifetime.” Be the change!

Have you been enjoying your summer? Well KTSD sure hopes you have!

Getting up at 6:30, falling asleep over breakfast, and getting dropped off at 8:27 just in time to make it to first period; It’s all part of the hectic day-to-day which is school. Imagine packing your bag for your dad’s house, realizing you left your favorite top in your mom’s washer, and forgetting where you put your math homework. Either of these situations is stressful, but put them together and the day becomes a little longer, homework a little harder, and the weight you carry a little heavier. These two schedules combined can easily be the routine for any child of divorce.

Now instead, picture this:

A fresh shower in the morning, a good breakfast, and fresh-smelling pencils you got for your English class. Your dad is responsible for a peaceful drive to school with your favorite song playing in the background. You realized you left your math homework at your mom’s house, so she kindly offered to drop it off at the front desk for you.

Simple ways to make the day less stressful can be as straightforward as having some kindness. Lend a helpful hand for your co-parent, work with them for your child instead of against them for the last word. Sometimes the best way to help is to be available during the hard moments and do the small simple tasks that can easily be forgotten. It can also mean being the bigger person and agreeing to disagree.

Switching over to the school season is always an adjustment, whether you’re a parent or a child. Having patience, perseverance, and the ability to problem solve can make any school day better, and with a change in perspective, you can also help you help yourself. By looking at the positives you can turn a challenge into a triumph, and stressors into propellers. Get a planner, write things down in your notes app, and use your reminders. Switching houses can be difficult for your children, so make it easier by starting good habits. Use KTSD as the foundation for your growth.

Start making good habits by breaking bad ones, and be the growth for you and your family.  

Have a great start to the school year!

Have you been enjoying your summer? Well KTSD sure hopes you have!

Need some tips on where to go or how to make the most of the sun? KTSD has you there too!

Whether you, your child, parent, or sibling needs a handy guide on what our community has to offer, let us share some fun things you can do to make the most of your summer!

1. The Beach! 
   1. With so many options, you’re bound to have a full-day adventure! From Imperial Beach to La Jolla Cove to Oceanside, there is a scene right for you and your family. Do you want to bring the fur babies too? Great idea, go ahead and visit Del Mar or Ocean Beach’s dog beach!
2. Run Back in Time…
   1. Feel like discovering more about the area’s history? With many accommodating options, there are dozens of museums and exhibits to check out! A popular destination to meet all needs is Old Town! Attractions like shops, restaurants, and activities are accessible with hours available via their website and ready for you to visit.
3. Paint and Clay
   1. If you’re feeling in touch with your inner artist and want a fun activity to harness it, paint-your-own-pottery studios are available for some family fun. Places like Color Me Mine, The Hotspot, and CeramiCafe all offer services to get hands-on and invested in artistry.
4. A Late Night Out
   1. Looking for something a little out of the box? Whether it’s an outdoor movie or a live band, you have options! Cinema Under The Stars can offer a unique and fun movie experience, while venues like The Music Box and The House of Blues can provide an intimate musical experience. Looking for the next level? The San Diego Symphony offers showtimes and experiences throughout the year for those devoted music connoisseurs. 
5. Peace and Tranquility
   1. Sometimes a low-key day is a more suitable speed, so consider these options. A hike can be a perfect balance between activity and reserve. You can also decide to tune into your spirit and pick up a yoga class at a studio near you like CorePower Yoga or The Yogabox. Maybe you’re looking for mind rejuvenation instead of physical. In that case, consider a library cafe or animal cafe to add some spice to your morning coffee. 

Something you can do any day, any hour of the summer is appreciate the people around you. If none of these activities sound like your cup of tea, make a fun choice and be a stroke of sunshine for yourself and your family this summer. 

Smile more, and worry less. Happy Summer!

What is sweet as far as you can see?

Well, that’s what June ought to be!

As it is National Candy Month, 

It is important to remind yourself what is sweet,

So much in life, is a treat!

Maybe your favorite person is your daughter,

Or you really appreciate your father!

More than all the gumdrops in the world, 

You love your baby boy or girl. 

Whether it is your mother, father, sister, or brother,

This month you can share how you love one another.

The mind and body depend on one another. 

For one system to perform to the best of its ability, the other must be in good condition. Just as exercise is crucial for the maintenance of the physical system, an array of variables contribute to the well-being of the mental system. When any one component falls short, the rest fall into disorder.

Any number of things can disturb one’s mental health, from relationships, employment, and social media, to a difficult project at school or a bad sports practice. As mental health can be largely affected by our surrounding environment, a divorce can have detrimental effects on a healthy mind. 

When the worst of my parent’s divorce happened, I was in 7th grade. From about 12 – 13, my mental health was at an all-time low. Think of all the things that make one’s middle school experience challenging. One’s body is making changes never made before, some start new schools, some make new friends, and all have at least one thing they’re insecure about. For some it’s the most difficult time of their lives. On top of my predisposed hurdles, I had to switch houses every weekend, go to a family therapist to deal with more problems, and be the middleman for a relationship that wasn’t my own. In simple terms, I was exhausted, burnt out, and sad. 

May is often a transitional month for many children’s lives, as the school year is coming to a close, spring turns to summer, and many are close to getting a break. Whether you’re burnt out, your child is sad, or your relationships are exhausted, take a moment this month to reflect. Take a moment to listen to your mind. 

Every person has a burden that weighs on them. Listening to your needs on both sides, the physical and the mental, helps the body to reach and maintain a balance.

This is one of the reasons it’s so important to take time, to take a breath, during May, during whichever month, to encourage peace of mind. A divorce is one more barrier between oneself reaching that mindfulness. Whether you are a parent or a child struggling through it, don’t let divorce get in the way of your mental health. Utilizing the tools around you is a great place to start. 

KTSD helped me work through those residing mental blocks, and they could help you too. When your life is overwhelming and your mind is overworked, be the change of pace to make your world better.

Start making good habits by breaking bad ones, and be the growth for your family.  

Alien. 

What does that word make you think of?

For some, unknown green creatures come to mind. Others think of the mysterious Area 51, or the kind gentle alien representation, E.T. Some have a negative affiliation with the word, recalling a time a family member, friend, or themselves was referenced by the term.

Alienating.

Building from our previous meaning for the word alien, what would you think “alienating” means to a little kid?

When I was 10, these terms were synonymous. So, when my dad screamed the word  in my face, I was confused. I couldn’t believe I was being called an alien. I had never watched “E.T.”, I knew I didn’t come from Area 51, and I was positive I wasn’t green. Nevertheless, that comment made me feel like a lesser human. When I questioned him, asking what he meant by that, his reply was, “Your mom is alienating you from me. In fact, you’re alienating yourself.” 

I was told that my mom was trying to make me into an alien, and I was too.

As April is National Parental Alienation Month, it’s important, especially now, to take time to understand what the word truly means, how it impacts your children and why avoiding the word is critical. 

Based on the Oxford dictionary, alienation is a noun meaning, “the state or experience of being isolated from a group or an activity to which one should belong or in which one should be involved.” 

After therapy and years of help, I realized the repercussions of what my dad had said, and most of all how untrue the statement was. 

From a child of a divorced family that was confused by a parent using the word “alienating”, here’s my perspective. Alienating should not be weaponized; It should not be used to hurt your loved ones. As a child of divorce, oftentimes I would fall in the middle of an argument, or be the center of it. Being in the middle of one more problem, only pushed me further into confusion and isolation. 

To all the parents reading this blog, I encourage you – 

Be the change for your family or your child by building instead of breaking.

Kids’ Turn San Diego helped my family learn, and helped me heal. 

Start making good habits by breaking bad ones, and be the growth for your family.  

Living a positive, successful life is unattainable without gratitude. 

Often described as appreciation, gratitude is demonstrating thankfulness for someone or something in your life. Gratitude can also be used as a coping mechanism, often helping with emotion and stress regulation. For those like me, a child of divorce, gratitude is an especially necessary skill and mindset to implement in daily life.

This year, Kids’ Turn San Diego’s Garden of Gratitude campaign represents the overarching process of giving thanks. Building your garden of gratitude takes time and effort, but can start with something as simple as saying thank you. In the heat of my parents’ divorce, attending the Family Workshop at KTSD helped me grow through gratitude. This began my metamorphosis, like the butterfly in KTSD’s garden, with the hope to encourage growth and reflection in me, my parents, and my sibling.

In 2020, when I began my KTSD journey, I was at an all time low. It was increasingly challenging for me to feel connected to my community. I believed nobody around me resonated with my feelings, or wanted to. When I joined the Family Workshop program,  I was encouraged to interact with kids my age who felt similarly, and we learned and practiced many skills. It was crucial for me to gain understanding and perspective on my situation in relation to others, as that helped me practice gratitude. Suddenly, I was grateful to have at least one parent that reached out to understand me. I was grateful to have a sibling, someone who believed in me, who I could believe in as well. I was grateful to have a program that showed me I’m not alone. All of those components together propelled me into my biggest stage of development.

Metamorphosis is often a symbol used to represent a big change in behavior or thinking, ultimately showing growth into maturation or adulthood. For me, KTSD helped change metamorphosis from a symbol to an outcome, as my experience helped me grow in wisdom, as well as perspective. 

From all the lessons I received from KTSD, the biggest takeaway I had was to give grace to myself and others around me suffering. Hold your loved ones tighter, give a smile to a stranger, say thank you when someone helps you… Thank you to the Group Leaders at KTSD for planting seeds and helping me become the beautiful butterfly I am today.